Where do i begin?

As i sit in front of my computer numbed by what i have seen & read today. I don't know how i'm suppose to react what is normal? what is not?
Should i be screaming and shouting or should i have broken down? Should i delete the number that is connected to my heart or shall i send a enraged sms?
Asking myself question after question with not an answer in sight...

Instead today i have decided that i will pour out my pain through my hands and this keyboard, in the hope that i will gain strenth and clarity as this life that i lead is neither normal nor simple. Instead it is complex and strange...

Is it the first time i have felt this way? NO
Will it be the last time ? NO
Do i have the courage to share my life and release the pain? I truly hope so.

So, where do i begin?

I met 'him' the man of my dreams, my prince charming, my forever after.... but hang on i was only 17 so how could i really know? i just did.... Today he says i was running away from my other life, (you know the one so many of us has lived, parents arguing, siblings fighting..... you get my point) having heard it so may times now i almost believed it. But all i know is back then when my heart skipped a beat or two and my tummy had butterflies i thought this was the forever kind of feeling. How amazing it was to experience love so young & pure, the passion, the emotions, the action.... Stolen moments which were actually hours, the ducking, the diving and the 'how not to get caught' masterplans.

If we could have Fast forwarded several years would we have still walked the same path in order to experience the 'good years' we had or would it all just have ended right then as nothing but a teenage fling? I know my answer and unfortunately i now know his too.

Life has been both very kind, but at the same time extremely cruel... these realities were not my dreams... this is not how i thought it was going to be. I wanted the things that most girls dream of.. to be with the man i loved, living a life we both loved, doing the things we both wanted to do.

So someone please explain to me how did it all go so terrribly wrong. Why did that dream shatter? why did my bubble burst so badly and why am i left with this numbing pain that makes me sick to stomach almost everyday and why despite this pain am i expected to walk around with a smile pretending life is just fine?

For fear of unravelling my life all in one go and causing my pain to go into overdrive... i will end this here today and hope that i can come back and share this life that i can not believe i have lived.....